The Vampire Diaries

I don’t watch much television these days, but one of the four or so shows I make time for every week is The Vampire Diaries.

It’s not edifying, sophisticated entertainment, but it is a textbook example on how to do the vampire thing properly. Picture: a group of executives sat around a table, talking. “OK, so we all loved The Lost Boys as kids; we thought Buffy season 6 rocked whenever it wasn’t drowning in waterworks; we think Twilight would be a good idea if it wasn’t so bloody ridiculous; so why not take the best bits from all of the above and leave out all the whiny crap?”

The Vampire Diaries works because it took notes while watching other shows. It even takes pointed digs at the likes of Twilight, because it knows perfectly well what doesn’t work about that series, and resolves not to make the same mistakes. It’s learned those lessons well, and is much the better for it.

1. Lesson from Spooks: “No character is safe”

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I remember when Fred was written out of Angel, and I wasn’t remotely moved by it because I didn’t believe that they would kill a character off like that. There had been so many false moves before that – moments when you believe a character has died, only to see them a few episodes later, that the series had cried wolf one too many times. The moment had lost its impact.

When Spooks set up its leading cast in the opening episode and then – in episode two – had one of those main characters’ heads plunged into a deep fat fryer, it shocked the audience in a way that polite BBC drama just hadn’t done before. If no character is safe, then the danger becomes real. They really might kill off that character you like in any episode, so suddenly that tension and drama is increased.

I’m not expecting them to kill off Elena or Stefan any time soon, but as for the others, all bets are off.

Foetus: Love, Flow and other great moments

My formidable great-aunt believed that age was some kind of impertinent insult. It’s probably the best way to look at it. Take Jim “Foetus” Thirlwell, for instance.

JG Thirlwell, 1987: foetus.org

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Despite hanging out with Marc Almond, Nick Cave, and Jim’s then-girlfriend Lydia Lunch, young Thirlwell didn’t fit into any particular scene. Calling himself “Clint Ruin”, he spent the mid-1980s being broadly lumped into the post-punk no-wave group of experimental musicians with whom he occasionally collaborated – though mostly Thirlwell would bash his own tracks out on a synth, tape them and sing over the top – making for an odd kind of karaoke for early live performances.

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JG Thirlwell & Nick Cave, 1983: foetus.org

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In 1985, he released the album Nail. I first heard Nail in 1995, when a colleague of mine told me to “hear it and weep”. I heard it and … Well, hear it for yourself. No, seriously, do that. Click ‘play’ now!

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(Descent Into The Inferno, Nail: live on The Tube, 1985)

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There’s a fine point between catchy and chaos where all the best songs lie – think: Nine Inch Nails’ Head Like A Hole, Bowie’s Scary Monsters, or even Radiohead’s Climbing The Walls. Nail walked that tightrope all the way to the other side. Foetus was an odd kind of rebellion – the sort of equal-opportunities misanthropy that hates absolutely everyone in equal measure: all crooned in a beautiful, snarling sub-Elvis baritone and topped off with a caustic swing-jazz electronica.

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JG Thirlwell & Trent Reznor, c. 1995: foetus.org

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Through remix work and collaborations, Thirlwell developed a reputation as a “pioneer of industrial music” – though only one other act, Raymond Watts’ group Pig, combined those sounds in roughly the same way.

In 1995, Foetus released Gash, which was yet again an album released at the wrong time. Had Nail come out in 1989, Foetus would have been as big as Ministry. Had Gash come out in 1999, the band mightn’t have been much bigger, but the music would have made a lot more sense. As densely-layered and genre-mashing as NIN’s later The Fragile, 15 years on it still sounds fresh as a daisy. Hammer Falls, for example, starts off with a slow bhangra beat and then lurches into the heaviest rock this side of Soulfly – and that’s before you get to the trumpet solo!