It looks like a video game. Skyrim, to be exact. It has that same dreamy quality that isn’t quite painting and isn’t quite real. I mean, the CGI is seriously naff in places, but for a good 90% of the time, Conan the Barbarian is as proudly beautiful as the well-oiled beefcake with the purty hair flinging the sword around. And my, is he pretty! We even get to see his bum.
Selling points aside, it’s not a bad film at all. The premise is broadly similar to the classic Schwarzenegger movie, with the Lumbering Man Mountain (Jason Momoa) seeking revenge on the evil sorceror (Stephen Lang) who killed his pa (Ron Perlman). He’s not sold into slavery, but instead spends a few years as a pirate, enjoying the company of gratuitously topless very friendly ladies before chancing upon Just Feisty Enough Bickering Love Interest (Rachel Nichols). You know the type – she’s just handy enough with a sword to garner his interest, but shrieks helplessly whenever there’s an opportunity for him to heroically come to the rescue. Continue reading