So, I just f***ed Chandler Bing.
Day three of my marathon trek through the post-apocalyptic Mojave desert introduced me to a super-mutant in a bow, a bunch of gangsters who could be talked down out of trouble, and various crazy robots and bizarrely aggressive cattle.
I solved the mystery of Boone’s missing wife, and having nothing better to do, he figured he’d tag along with me to be my personal meat shield and best buddy.
Arriving in New Vegas shortly before sunset, we applied for a job with a bunch of Elvis impersonators before checking out the casinos further in town.
(Here be spoilers)
The suburbs of New Vegas resemble a cross between an Iraqi warzone and Peckham on a bad day. My job for The King involved hiring a mercenary tour guide and finding out why he was being offered so much repeat business.
After returning (somewhat blood-spattered) with the answer, I was given a further task that I could look into at a later date, but figured instead that Benny (voiced by Matthew Perry) was Always On My Mind.
The mysterious Mr House from the Lucky 38 casino had some tips to give me – that Benny is well protected, but that he could be flattered into taking me up to his suite. I picked up some easily concealed weapons to sneak in after I’d ostensibly handed over my “heat” to the goons on the door.
Benny was easily convinced. This is the guy who shot me in the head and left me for dead at the beginning of the game, and here I was telling him that he was a bad, bad boy and that turned me on so much, baby.
A little flattery, a little flirtery, and he was taking me up to his room. Once there, I had the option of whipping out my gun and dispatching him there and then, but figured, what the hey? It had been a while. So instead I enjoyed the tasteful fade-to-black, accompanied by a not-so-tasteful commentary from Chandler-Benny on the finer merits of my performance. His desperate 50s hipster slang was rather too much for me, so as soon as he finished, I finished him.
I finally got my grubby, bloodstained mitts on that elusive platinum poker chip and was just about to skedaddle back to Mr House when I wondered what was behind door number three.
The plot thickens, it seems, and now I’m off on a Morrowindy quest to unite the Great Houses … or at least figure out which ones I’m going to keep alive …