Fancy Tat

It’s only 19 days until the Royal Wedding, and for months now the loyal subjects of the United Kingdom have been in a royal tizz. It’s the moment when “Prince Charming”, AKA Wills, finally makes an honest woman of Waity Katie, so what better way to mark the occasion than with a commemorative refrigerator?

Royal-themed refrigerator from GDHA

It’s like Britain is enjoying a cosmic-scale comeuppance for every smug “only in America” list we’ve ever published. Drive-thru weddings have nothing on this sorry display of horrors. Every German moustache-grower on the long-running Eurotrash can enjoy a collective sense of schadenfreude at this motley collection of taste-free tat as the few of us with any sense of decorum must witness these proceedings with the utmost national shame. I mean, garden gnomes?

Don’t get me wrong: I don’t dislike the idea of a royal wedding. They seem like OK people, they genuinely seem to like each other, and – most very importantly – we all get a free day off. It’s just that, in common with most of HRH’s loyal subjects, I just don’t really give much of a s***. I mean, certainly not enough to buy a pair of bloody gnomes to celebrate.

Bride and Groom gnomes from B&Q

The Daily Telegraph has helpfully published a gallery of garish tat including the above examples, though fans will be disappointed to note that, according to the B&Q website, the gnomes have already sold out.

Sometimes I despair.

Will & Kate nail decals from unnamed souvenir shop, London

Srsly.

Kate & William Pez Dispensers

OK, I could be persuaded to go for the Pez dispensers. Pez are auctioning off these kitschy plastic sweet-holders for the Starlight Children’s Foundation.

Dilligent though the Torygraph is, it didn’t manage to list every tacky piece of merchandise out there (like there’s untacky Will & Kate stuff?) – there’s still delights such as the Princess Catherine doll by Arklu, which comes complete with a gold-plated amethyst ring.

What is that on her head?

If you don’t want to go hunting around on the internet, there’s a handy “official shop” with dozens of awful trinkets to be embarrassed about, such as this iphone case

Official royal iphone case

or these bobbleheads

Official royal bobbleheads

If that doesn’t set your heart a-flutter, there’s always William & Kate: The Movie:

“William & Kate” tells the story of Prince William’s 9-year romance with Kate Middleton, from the moment the lovely commoner first won his royal heart.
It follows the couple through all the ups and downs of their relationship, including behind-the-scenes footage of royal life.
Despite considerable family pressure and unrelenting media attention on the young couple – which nearly drove them apart – in the end, true love conquers all and the couple marries in a fairy-tale wedding.

You might want one of these handy designs by Lydia Leith.

Royal wedding sick bag by Lydia Leith

Too cynical? Perhaps, because really the only objection is that I can’t bloody get away from all these hideous trinkets! I went into a bookshop (remember them?) and lo and behold, on the shelf next to all the Little Book of Cheap Cash-in mini-books was an ugly miniature royal teacup! In our quaint little village gift shop, a sea of Will & Kate on mugs, plates and spoons peered out like Village of the Damned as I wandered down to the local Co-op.

Luckily I’ve only read about these Crown Jewels commemorative condoms.

Crown Jewels Will & Kate condoms

“Combining the strength of a Prince with the yielding sensitivity of a Princess-to-be, Crown Jewels condoms promise a royal union of pleasure,” boasts the website, before helpfully adding, “Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are a novelty condom not suitable for contraception or protection against STDs.”

Tempting as these tacky treats might be, there’s something distinctly un-British about all of this excess. It’s just not really our way to indulge in giant novelty refrigerators or portrait nail decorations. If we’re going to splurge on overpriced rubbish, it needs to be something that sums up the spirit of Britishness on this most national of occasions. We need to find an item that captures the mood of the nation – something that really expresses what all of us are thinking.

Luckily, KK Outlet has just such a thing.

 

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