The secret diary of Osama bin Laden

The Times reports today that Osama bin Laden’s diary has been found in Pakistan.

“A US official described the diary as a ‘journal of ideas'”, reported the paper.

The question we’re all asking ourselves right now is “what does it say?” Even those of us lacking the prurient curiosity to see his corpse must be wondering about the scribbled ravings of a cave-bound lunatic.

Fortunately, a source close to the White House has released some extracts exclusively to Reinspired.

18 March

Number of infidels killed: 0.
V bad.

Got a bloody red ring of death on the xbox again. Spent three hours on mobile wife #3 hides under burka, speaking to tech support. Bloody call centres! Bill Gates obviously devil himself. When I get out of this cave, bang goes Micro$oft HQ and I’m getting myself a PS3.


23 March

Number of infidels killed: 0.
V bad.

Beard looking especially swishy today. Feeling most proud. Stupid devil-spawn Obama doesn’t have beard like mine. This is why is weak and evil.


2 April

Number of infidels killed: 1.
Better than 0.

All of wives having monthlies at same time again. Nothing like chorus of “you just don’t listen to me” and answering “nothing” when ask what’s wrong. Now all arms folded in collective sulk before marching out en masse to buy chocolate. Decided to cheer self up by fixing xbox. Accidentally electrocuted tech support bloke who was obviously infidel as works for Micro$oft. Feel bit better for that. Wondering if I can find the Wii controller.


14 April

Number of infidels killed: 0.
V bad.

Was insulted by Wii Fit saying BMI was too high after months of cave confinement. What does stupid devil-tool know anyway? Gave up on consoles and found cable channel with re-runs of Oprah. Cried at inspirational story of overcoming odds. Perhaps should go on there after valiant defeat of decadent West. Have decided will definitely spare Oprah.


21 April

Number of infidels killed: 0.
V bad.

*channel hopping*
Seen it … seen it … seen it … seen it.

Goshdammit! This is intolerable! Will nobody fix my bloody xbox? Was so close to beating Bayonetta, that evil Sarah Palin temptress! Found self looking at cat videos on youtube for six hours yesterday. Considering surrendering to evil infidel West because at least US has decent customer returns policy. Can at least continue plot to vanquish evil decadent West from comfortable jail cell. They’ll let me have a console in jail, right?


:edit: I can’t actually figure out whether this is a spoof or not, from today’s Guardian. If so, it’s better than mine!

15 August 2010

Courier came today: secret messages from al-Qaida, more AA batteries for the remote, copy of Newsweek, Ikea catalogue (they send me two, every time, even though I have never ordered anything) and a pirate DVD of Finding Nemo. Watched it, laughed a lot, condemned it afterwards.

Tonight is book-club night, and everyone in the compound is angry with me because I have picked the Qur’an again. They all say they have read it before. I say, but have you memorised it? They say, you always hijack the discussion! This is true, I suppose. Abu says it is his turn to pick. No way, I tell him. Never again, not after Angela’s Ashes.


:edit edit: I know that in light of more recent developments, it would be easy to feel unsettled about making light of bin Laden, but the sheer surreal nature of what’s been uncovered means that it’s impossible not to laugh, however inappropriate.

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