This is not a love song

The Atlantic Wire reports that 92% of top 10 Billboard songs in 2009 were about “reproductive messages”. If you’re getting shagged out by all that aural sex, here’s some songs with some very, very different themes.

No, I’m not talking about hate songs or anger songs or songs about death or rants about politics – all that is standard fare as far as pop lyrics go. I mean the sorts of songs that nobody else would think to sing about. Songs about something else.

Neil – Hole In My Shoe

(Leaky footwear)
.

Apoptygma Berzerk – Eclipse

(The 1999 solar eclipse)
.

They Might Be Giants – Istanbul (Not Constantinople)

(City name-change confusion)
.

Sufjan Stevens – Get Real, Get Right

(Frantically praying to God for forgiveness from a locked bathroom as aliens invade outside. One of the best songs ever.)
.

King Missile – I’m Sorry
(No Youtube for this one, but this link takes you to Last.fm which in turn links to Spotify.)

Here are the words:

No I never was in Vietnam
I never once dove into an empty swimming pool
I never let the carpet walk right out from under me
I never painted a house or a tree
I never did become an exotic dancer or a customer service representative
I never took the pulse of a dying duck
Or gave mouth to mouth resuscitation to a horsefly
In a way I suppose you could say my experience is quite limited
For example,
I never locked Oliver Cromwell in a broom closet while singing Waltzing Matilda
I never sawed a television in half
Although I once saw Wendy O’Williams saw a guitar
I never played a decent game of jacks
I never played poker with a toothless one eyed pirate who kept picking his
teeth with a bowie knife to distract me while his parrot looked over my
shoulder and told him what cards I had by using an elaborate code involving
vomiting, chirping and sea shanties
I never bought a lamp
Wait I did buy a lamp once
But I never bought a lantern or a lambskin prophylactic
I never bought lima beans or lime pudding
I never bought a lion or a Lionel Richie album
I never bought anything beginning with the letter “L”
Except lollipops, lightbulbs and lettuce … and the lamp
I never laid down for a nap and found the Everly brothers in bed with me
I never let a cyborg take out the garbage
I’m sorry I stole the radio
I did it
I sawed the legs off the periodic table
I re-elected the President
I did it, it was my fault
I farted in the church
I’m sorry I did many, many bad things
And I am so sorry.

.

 

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3 comments on “This is not a love song

  1. King Missile. Wow, haven’t thought of them in ages, but that’s some great stuff. TMBG were always great for singing about anything under the sun.

    To this list I humbly submit “Yakkity Yak,” which has to be the best parental nagging song ever.

    • It depends on which side you’re on re Yakkity Yak. If the song is intended from the parents’ point of view, then it’s pretty unique and belongs on this list.

      If the song is the teens impersonating the nagging parents, then it doesn’t because it falls under the “standard fare” category of teen rebellion: c/f the Beastie Boys’ Fight For Your Right to Party, Twisted Sister’s We’re Not Gonna Take It, etc etc.

  2. Very true–I thought of that about 5 minutes *after* I posted it. I am used to thinking of it as the former, I guess. A few years ago I decided that if I ever had kids, it was going to be my “three minute warning to Mom whooping a**” song 😀

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