Princess Stomper answers your dilemmas

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When some friends of mine were offended by a Yahoo article from “Allure: The Beauty Expert” that made the bold claim that men don’t like women that look like skanks, we got into a long debate about the role of the fashion industry in how we feel about ourselves.

I see both sides. On the one hand, I gave up my subscriptions when I heard the line “do not read beauty magazines; they will only make you feel ugly”. On the other, I fantasise about the $95,000 pink Birkin the way other women fantasise about George Clooney.

The main problem with Catherine Devine’s article is that it’s crass, lazy and phoned in, coming over like a cheap infomercial for whatever products they’re flogging. I honestly think that I could do better than any of the advice given in any fashion magazine. So, in an effort to demonstrate this, I will now provide advice for our eager readers … 

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Dear Princess
There’s someone I like but I’m all frumpy and ugly and I’m afraid they’ll never love me.
– Jane

And of course they never will if you sit at home and mope. Stick on a nice frock and a bit of slap – because much as you might rock the stained-jammies-and-bird’s-nest-hair look, you really don’t want to be mistaken for Tim Minchin.

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Dear Princess
I have a big spot on the end of my chin and I’m afraid it will ruin my date tomorrow. Help!
– Carla

Give it a name – I called my last one Vesuvius – and introduce it as your pet spot. Tell your date that Vesuvius doesn’t like to be touched, but at least it doesn’t bite … but you might.

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Dear Princess
How do I wear this season’s animal print?
– Sarah

You don’t. Ever. It doesn’t matter how it’s cut, you will always, always look like Bet Lynch.

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Dear Princess
My boyfriend gets annoyed when I nag him to go to the gym and dress more fashionably. What should I do?
– Anne

When you buy a pair of shoes, do you then chop three inches off the heel and dye them a different colour? No, because if you wanted blue flats you’d have just bought blue flats. If you don’t want pink heels, don’t buy pink heels! Go date Gok Wan and leave the poor boy in peace.

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Dear Princess
How do I get a body like Angelina Jolie at the Oscars last week?
– Catherine

Oh, honey, why would you want to? Upgrading from naturally slender to downright stringy isn’t something to do on purpose. When your neck is thicker than your thighs, it’s time to start eating cakes again.

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Dear Princess
How do I wear harem pants?
– Charlotte

You put one leg in one hole, the other leg in the other. Then you try not to look bloody ridiculous.

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Dear Princess
I’m confused by all the conflicting advice about diets, and wondered whether I should try food combining.
– Alice

Stop combining cakes with pies and you’ll do just fine.

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