Because you know Pride & Prejudice always needed a purple-headed love monster …

You know you want it. I mean, Jane Austen’s light and witty prose just doesn’t have enough to interest the modern reader, who would much rather read about “the hardness of [Darcy’s] manhood”. While we’re at it, wouldn’t Sherlock Holmes be so much better if he spent his investigative downtime flicking his tongue over Watson’s nipples? And surely Jayne Eyre would be improved with some rough, sweaty, spanking action …

I’m not even kidding here. I wish I was, but no – Clandestine Classics quenches our thirst for sub-Jilly Cooper really bad slash fiction and inserts a hard, throbbing strategically-placed sex scenes in a series of classic novels including Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea (gay slashfic) and Northanger Abbey (straight slashfic). The site’s blurb proudly boasts:

There is no doubting the fact that the classics remain an inspiration to writers, even today, with many complex and thought-provoking storylines. But if we are honest to ourselves haven’t we heard the same reserved tale told time and time again?

Our collection of Clandestine Classics is about to change that. This is a collection of classics as they have never been seen before.

The old fashioned pleasantries and timidity have all been stripped away, quite literally. You didn’t really think that these much loved characters only held hands and pecked cheeks did you? Come with us, as we embark on a breathtaking experience—behind the closed bedroom doors of our favourite, most-beloved British characters. Learn what Sherlock really thought of Watson, what Mr Darcy really wanted to do to Miss Elizabeth Bennet, and unveil the sexy escapades of Mr Rochester and Jane Eyre. We’ll show you the scenes that you always wanted to see but were never allowed. Come on, you know you can’t resist…open the pages and delve inside.

For example:

“He exerted the force of his will as effortlessly as he schooled my person, relentlessly and with an inexorable force, he commanded me against his body. Those torrid throbbings of desire surely filled my deepest recesses. No matter how I controlled my mind, my very flesh was weak. How I yearned for his mastery – even now, especially now!”- Jayne Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte and Sierra Cartwright.



Sorry, this blog isn’t supposed to be about bad things, just things I can in all conscience recommend. So in the interests of public service, I’ll refer you instead to Cassandra Claire’s erotically-charged reimaginings of Lord of the Rings, which are infinitely superior and – best of all – free.


The Very Secret Diary of Legolas, Son of Weenus

Day 30:

All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion.

Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Still the prettiest.

Day 33:

Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.

Day 35:

Boromir dead. Very messy death, most unnecessary. Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on.

Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really.

Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.


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